I Wanted to Hate Her
by FelsGoddess
Summary: Syal's thoughts on Jaina through the various events between the end of the New Jedi Order and Omen. Note: Minor Fate of the Jedi spoilers.


I wanted to hate her. I wanted to hate her for what she did to my baby boy. I wanted to hate her for breaking his heart and taking him away from me.

But I couldn't.

I couldn't hate her because he still loved her.

I remember Jagged's messages home during the war. He always spoke of a girl. He called her a "difficult kill." I knew right then that this girl was someone special. Later in the war, he talked about her determination, her beauty, her skill and her courage. He loved her.

And then, the war ended. Jagged came home. He smiled, but it wasn't as wide as it should be. He laughed with his sister, but it wasn't as heartfelt. Jaina had decided to stay in the Known Regions for the moment. She said she had some to take care of a few things with her family first. I understood. Having lost children myself, I know how important it is to hold onto what you have. I understood her parents and her own need to settle their minds.

Jagged served as an ambassador. He left for each mission in a hurry; wanting to take advantage of any opportunity he could get to see the woman he loved. He'd come home sad, but determined. As time passed, these opportunities seem to grow fewer and fewer.

And then, it was over. I knew without Jagged having to tell me anything. He entered the house without issuing a greeting. He marched quickly up the stairs to his room. I heard the door slam and his bag hit the floor with extra force. I waited downstairs, knowing Wynessa would be coming home any minute now. I intercepted her and told her to leave her brother alone.

In the hours Jagged spent in his room, something happened to him. His heart had been broken, shattered. What he did up there, I'll never know. I believe that he decided to lock himself up. He had decided to become as hard as the ice outside.

Jagged left his room late that evening. He looked as neat and proper as any good military man would. The only indication of his plight were his red, bloodshot eyes. He handed his father a report on the mission, and then retreated back upstairs.

I left Jagged alone for a day. Soontir suggested I wait longer, but I couldn't. I couldn't take my baby boy hurting anymore. I opened the door to his room. He was lying on top of his bed, one arm thrown over his face. In his other hand was a crushed piece of flimsy. Scattered on the floor were various holos, letters and other items. I recognized the face in the images as Jaina Solo.

It would be just like my son to torture himself with reminders of her so soon after a break-up. I'm assuming all the random items were related to her.

I turned to leave the room, but Jagged awoke. He looked at me with a pained expression. I sat down next to him on the bed. I'm not sure how long we sat in silence before he told me what happened. He told me of the arguments and tension. He told me how he felt she wasn't trying. He told me what he had offered to give up for her, but she wouldn't let him. He looked broken.

And I wanted to hate her.

I soothed my son in a way only a mother can. I gathered up the items and put them in a box. I told him one day, he would be able to move on. He could destroy the contents when he was ready, or keep. I told him never to throw out something important unless you've though about it. Those memories may help you later on.

Jagged left his room. He returned to the military. He was hard, emotionless. The warmth was missing from his eyes. The only time I saw him manage any type of emotion was when he threatened Wyn's new boyfriend. The deathly look in his eye caused the poor young man to step back a few steps. Jag had a sparkle of amusement in his eye as he watched the man squirm.

I thought it couldn't get any worse, but it did. The Killiks. I've never been told the whole story. I'm not sure I want to know. I know that she betrayed my Jagged and he was left for dead for two years. His career was over.

I watched, despite Soontir's insisting, my son's courtmartial. I watched as he was officially banned from Csilla. I watched, heartbroken, as he quickly packed up a few personal items. I watched him take the box with him. I watched as he walked out our front door forever.

And I wanted to hate her.

After all this time, I find myself sitting in disbelief. My son is head of the Empire. Soontir called me from the office to tell me to turn on the holonet. There was Jagged, speaking to thousands, about his new position and plans for the Empire.

It's been an hour and I still don't believe it.

We received an invitation to meet Jagged aboard his Star Destroyer near Bastion some time later. Soontir, Wyn and I flew out immediately. As the ramp lowered, I found myself sprinting down the stairs. I embraced my son tightly, tears in my eyes.

As I released him, I saw a petit, brown haired woman standing behind Jag, looking nervous.

"Mom, Dad, Wyn, this is Jaina," Jag said softly, introducing us.

Jaina shook our hands nervously. I certainly didn't blame her. I'm sure she was convinced we hated her. I studied her appearance. She looked worn. Her eyes looked as if she'd suffered enough for 10 lifetimes. I knew about the latest hardship she'd encountered. Everyone in the galaxy knew that Jaina Solo had slain her lost brother. I couldn't be mad at her, as much as I wanted to.

Jagged took us to his quarters. Clutching Jaina's hand, he told us that they were getting married. I saw leaned down and kiss her gently. Love radiated from her brown eyes. She smiled at him. For the first time in years, I saw my Jagged at peace.

And suddenly, I loved her too.


End file.
